Attachment

If you are wondering why your needs are not being met in your relationship, it could be you have a different attachment style than your partner. Check out this article I wrote for DeepSoulLove.com about the incredibly common issue of perceived neediness vs. emotional unavailability:

Am I needy or is he emotionally unavailable? 

Possibly both! This relationship dynamic is incredibly common and we can understand it more clearly through the lens of attachment theory. There are 3 main attachment styles that we can carry in adult relationships. Secure attachment, anxious attachment, and avoidant attachment. I will go over each in more detail. 

A securely attached person finds it easy to trust and balance both positive and negative aspects of a relationship. They do not over-worry about the relationship dynamics and can easily communicate their own needs as well as support their partners needs in a balanced way. A securely attached person tends to have high self esteem, finds it easy to share their feelings with others, and is able to tolerate both closeness and independence in a relationship. Secure attachment is the obvious goal in most relationships, however, most people have to work toward this internal security.

An anxiously attached person has a great capacity for love and closeness, but they tend to worry about whether their partner is able to meet their emotional needs. They are sharply attuned to fluctuations in their partner’s mood and behavior and tend to take them personally. They may act out in ways to get their partner’s attention and only feel at ease when their parter provides emotional reassurance. 

An avoidantly attached person on the other hand tends to prefer independence and autonomy. Though they want to be close and intimate with others, they don’t spend much time worrying about their relationship. They tend to be hyper aware of behaviors from their parter that appear to control or encroach on their personal space, causing them to crave more distance.

Ironically, it is extremely common for people with avoidant and anxious attachment to find themselves paired up. Both partners become triggered by each other’s needs (i.e. the more anxious [or “needy”] you get, the more avoidant [or “emotionally unavailable”] he gets, and vice versa) making for an impossible situation!

A quick way to gain insight is to take the online attachment quiz at https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/compatibility-quiz/ Here you can decipher both you and your partner’s attachment styles. You can explore this question deeper by reading the book Attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller, which I highly recommend! They help you understand the ins and outs of your attachment style and provide insight for how to work towards secure attachment. 

Seeking counseling is another great way to address your attachment style and find ways to have more security in your relationships. I have helped many young adults discover security and self confidence so that they can navigate and choose relationships that are healthy and sustainable.

Bottom line: you are not alone in this struggle. Self-awareness is the key to lasting change. If you are curious about yourself and willing to be vulnerable, new relationship opportunities will arise in ways you never thought possible. 

Also find article at: https://deepsoulfullove.com/am-i-needy-or-is-he-emotionally-unavailable/