Intraconnection vs. Interconnection

From birth we are wired to reach out and connect to others - to interconnect.  Newborns cry when they are hungry or tired as a way to communicate their needs to their caregiver.  Interconnection is essential for our very survival.  As we grow older and begin to develop a sense of autonomy, we begin to understand how we can meet our own needs, however, interconnection is how we begin life and will always be an essential part of being human.

Culturally, interconnection is taught from childhood. As a kid, you were likely taught to be kind, polite, and share with others. These lessons are important, but excessive connection with others can leave you feeling like you must abandon your own needs in order to serve others effectively. If this mindset becomes the norm, you will likely find it difficult to intraconnect. In other words, you will struggle to know what you authentically desire, feel, or value. You then become dulled to your own spectrum of feelings and may find yourself feeling numb or checked out, as if you are living on autopilot. To see the differences between autopilot and intraconnection from last week, click here.

I want you to take a look at the relationships in your life, whether it be friends, family, a partner, etc., and answer the question below:

Do you feel you can be authentically you in these relationships? That is, are you able to behave and make decisions based on your personal wants, needs and values, rather than on theirs?

1. Always

2. Most of the time

3. Sometimes

4. Almost never

5. Never

If you answered “always” or “most of the time”, you probably feel pretty secure and stable in your relationships. If you answered “sometimes”, “almost never”, or “never”, you might agree that your relationships feel anxiety provoking, hurtful or distant. Maybe you notice that you are always supportive of your best friend, but when something difficult happens in your life you feel abandoned. Maybe you feel like you are walking on eggshells in your own home because you never know when your mom is going to have an outburst. Maybe you act in order to please your partner, but hide parts of yourself you fear they will dislike. All these examples display a lack of intraconnection, because the automatic response is not to cater to your own wants, values and needs but to cater to someone else’s. This makes it difficult to live authentically, to feel empowered, or to accept yourself as you are.  

A healthy, thriving relationship with others is impossible without a healthy thriving relationship with self. In other words, interconnection cannot function without intraconnection. If you are experiencing conflict in any of your relationships, try looking within to find answers rather than looking toward others in your life for change.

Questions to ask yourself:

• What do I feel emotionally when (insert person) does ____? Does it remind me of someone or something from my past?

• What other ways could I try approaching or responding to (insert person)?

• What is my love language? What is my partner’s love language? How can our differences cause us difficulties? Take the 5 Love Languages Quiz here.

I love hearing your thoughts! How do you think your relationship with yourself affects your relationships with others?